Becoming a working parent — what I wish I’d know returning to work after maternity leave

What do I wish I known when I returned to work after maternity leave? I’ve been thinking about this question and joined two conversations with mums from UPFRONT. I wish I had a roadmap to give you whether you are about to return to work or are supporting someone who is. Instead, I want to share what I really needed to hear as I trod my path. I left for a year of maternity leave as an excited, married new-mum-to-be. I returned as a disabled single Mum with chronic pain and post-natal depression. My experiences are very particular to my context — I live in a country with maternity leave and have (eventually) found a permanent contract. Still, I wanted to share what I’d want past Elizabeth to know about returning to work…

You are not alone

I mean obviously you aren’t alone — there’s your lovely baby! But I wish I’d been able to accept that I wasn’t alone in my experience of motherhood. That I wasn’t the only person to feel lost and overwhelmed. That I wasn’t the only person terrified about how I’d manage to do any part of my job. That if my return to work was bumpy and I didn’t get the support that was legally mine, there were advocates in charities who could help.

It is hard to prioritize connecting with people when there is so much to do to just cover the basics of keeping yourself and a tiny person alive. But what I’ve learned over time is that there is no experience I have had as a parent that no one else has lived through. None. Whether you are facing an issue with parenting broadly or a concern about returning to work — workplaces acting illegally, immorally or just unhelpfully — you are not the first to experience it. Try and carve out space in your day to find your people. It's worth it, I promise.

You might not want to wait for things to “settle down”

Do things settle down? My baby is about to turn 7 and they haven’t yet… There is always something new to learn, a new way of doing things at home which means a new way of working. Once it was the shift from mostly family to mostly nursery which came with longer goodbyes. Then it was the school day which was so much shorter than the nursery day. Then it was… a global pandemic. I’d always heard that the only constant in life with change but being a parent certainly escalated the pace of change for me! Underlying my expectation that things would “settle down” was an unhelpful attempt to somehow get back to “normal”, start working again like I did in my twenties. I was utterly convinced that until I could get back to that way of working I wouldn’t achieve what I wanted in my career.

Looking back I see that all of my best work came after I became a parent, not before. I wish I’d moved on from my expectations of what my way of working “should” look like, but honestly, I’m still trying. What has helped enormously is seeking regular feedback on the quality and pace of my work from my manager and peers. This helps me prioritize areas I need to improve and soothe any anxieties about my performance.

You are a role model now

I had to laugh out loud typing that title. Surely what someone could learn from my example is how *not* to do the mad juggle of working-as-a-parent. Despite my own thoughts what I hear from others is that having a parent in the team opened up the possibilities and choices. That might be juggling caring and work. Working part-time. Having literally anything outside of the workplace being a focus or priority!

People working with you might not be thinking about a family now, but the odds of them making their way through a lifetime of careers without something outside the workplace being a priority is pretty low. Keep turning up and you are showing that it can be done. I see you — and you are smashing it.

My Favourite 5 Tips:

1. Write everything down about any adjustments and the discussions that lead up to them, a great reminder for everyday and vital evidence in any discrimination case.

2. Consider joining a union so you have support navigating any concerns about how you are being treated.

3. Check out an induction pack or new joiners processes. Those coffees with the team to hear about what they do, the overview of recent results and KPIs are perfect for getting back into the swing of things.

4. Have a realistic illness plan for any children in childcare. They will get ill. The people caring for them will get ill. Try and make sure there is a plan other than using annual leave.

5. Chickenpox is probable — keep a week's worth of leave in hand / make sure a partner does if possible until it happens. Every year it doesn’t happen you get to use that week for something else — woohoo!

I would love to share your experiences and reflections on returning to work — please share them if you can!

I’m Following

@PregnantScrewed

I’m Listening to

Best of Both Worlds Podcast — https://lauravanderkam.com/podcast/

I’m reading

Brenee Brown — Rising Strong